The Why

So here I am making myself do something of consequence instead of just Facebook and Twitter. Obviously got to be careful and need to watch how long I do this for or my plans will be scuppered, and I won’t be able to write for long. The plan is that I just write now everyday, a little to begin so I can slowly build up my stamina, or at least that’s the plan. After three and a half years I’ve learnt to be highly realistic, I know that often even being really careful this illness will still get the better of me. It’s like some sick joke really. No one really knows what causes it or why some people can get over it and some can’t.  We’re not supposed to do a lot, take each day in a structured and managed way, which is what I do.  That whatever you can do on a bad day is what you should also do on a good day. Then that way you slowly build up your activity, if it makes you feel worse then you’re doing too much. Sounds simple doesn’t it? Well try living it, I worked tirelessly on those goals and yet the illness still kicks my butt, and when I say kicks it I mean royally.  I’m usually down for four month stretches, then slowly climb up but can do very little even during my good times. I will write now for about 20 minutes and that will have to be it for today, and I am in a better phase. I have huge plans for my life, I have a lot going on in my head, but only being able to write 20 mins or so a day is not going to get me very far.  But I have to do something, I can’t handle being so damn unproductive.  It just goes against my nature, so am trying hard to find the balance and carve out some kind of existence for myself within the limitations of this parasitic disease.

Everyday now I will write something, anything, related to whatever I’m feeling. My big dream is to write a novel and I’m very good at achieving my dreams, even if it’s rubbish at least I’d have done it. But I won’t compromise my health for it, I still hope that living within the limitations of this illness that I will one day recover, maybe not fully but at least to the point of being able to work part time. I have too much to give to this world and I won’t let it be robbed of me, held hostage by a body. I do hope I don’t have Stockholm Syndrome without realising it and have some unhealthy symbiotic relationship with my kidnapper. I have worked hard not to.  I feel I now have some control over it, not always and not a huge amount of leverage but some anyhow.  Well there it is, I can feel the warning signs now, brain has almost slowed to stop, energy going.