Windows in Time
I have a window, a brief, clear window. The sun shining brightly through it, always open to let the cooling breeze waft over my awakened body. It’s been a long wait this time around, in fact I’d really started to believe that the window had closed for good. However, here it is, it’s been here now since the beginning of January. I know some of you will believe and want me to believe that it’s the beginning of the end of my illness and I know that comes from a good place in your hearts. I wish belief was enough to cure me and all the other sufferers of this disease. If belief could do it, I tell you all the hope and the pleading that we all do everyday would be enough to cure all ails. Sadly belief will not cure ME just as it doesn’t cure cancer.
But my window has been left ajar and I’ve climbed through it. My feet are dangling over the edge and the feeling of freedom is palpable, I can feel the air passing through my toes, the rough edges of the brick walls against my soles. My hair gently being tossed by the wind and it feels marvellous. Of course my freedom is laughable to a well person; it means that I can go out for coffee or lunch once or twice a week, or have a visit from a friend. I’m able to have a good chat without feeling absolutely dreadful and every motion or word being such a weight. After each of these meetings though I’m exhausted and I need a few quiet days to get over them but I can live just a little. So many other sufferers don’t get these “better” periods. The fact that I do makes me so grateful because when I am at my worst for long, extended and drawn out periods I know what it’s like. Some people have been in that state for years without the slight relief that I get from time to time.
How do I know this isn’t me going into remission after four years some of you will ask at this point. I know because I still feel ill; constantly symptomatic. Also I’ve been here so many times before and experience has taught me that I just need to embrace these moments and enjoy them whilst they are here, taking care not to over do things. I usually get a couple of months until I go back into a more severe state of illness, the worst periods always last longer than the easier ones unfortunately but for the moment that is in the future. This illness affects us all differently and this is how it affects me. I’ve accepted it for what it is. I am just overjoyed that finally after a year of hell the seal on my window broke and I have the energy to climb up and sit on the sill.
